Bow Down and Worship Me

Bow down and worship me. 

What? 

I said, “bow down and worship me.” 

Why? 

Because I’m your savior. I saved you. 

From what? 

From a giant asteroid that was headed toward Earth and was going to wipe you out. 

How come our astronomers didn’t see it coming? 

Oh, it was invisible.  Big, invisible rock headed right for you.  Was going to light up Earth like a match head.  Poof!  Everybody dead. 

Then how did you know about it? 

Oh, I’m omniscient – I know everything. 

Well, how did you save me from it? 

I just blinked it out of existence.  Asteroid…blink!  Gone.  So bow down and worship me. 

Waitasecond.  If nobody could see the asteroid, how do we know it was even there? 

Because I’m telling you.  It was there, I saved you from it, so bow down and worship me. 

What if I don’t believe you? 

Oh, you gotta believe. 

Or what? 

Or I might just whistle up another giant invisible asteroid to wipe you out. 

You could do that? 

Sure.  I’m also omnipotent.  Everything that happens is an expression of my will. 

So…that first giant asteroid? 

Yup!  That was me.  And then I saved you from it.  Bow down and worship me. 

So, you made a giant asteroid headed right for us, then saved us from a doom that you created for us, and we’re supposed to be grateful? 

Sure!  I didn’t let the giant asteroid wipe you out. 

You know, I’m not sure you’re not just some guy saying stuff because he wants people to bow down and worship him. 

Of course I do.  It’s nice.  In fact, I get cranky if you don’t. 

No, I mean you could be someone who isn’t omnipotent or omniscient – just some guy says stuff to get people to bow down and worship him.  And with the asteroid being invisible, and then poofed out of existence, there isn’t any way to know if you’re telling the truth. 

Oh, but I am!  You just gotta believe! In fact, that lack of proof is a good thing for you.  Because it means that your belief is based on faith instead of evidence, which makes your bowing-down-and-worshiping more pure. 

Good for me? 

Sure.  If I gave you proof you’d believe because of the proof. But if you ask for proof and I give you bupkis - and you still believe - that’s the real stuff; the stuff I like – and I might just give you presents. 

Presents? 

Might. 

Let’s get back to the omniscience thing: that means you know that I think your whole line is bullshit from beginning to end. Right? 

I’m not telling.  I’m ineffable. 

In-what? 

Ineffable.  Means that you can’t understand me no matter what you do.  You just have to – 

- believe, I know. 

And bow down and worship.  And give me money.  Lots of money.  One tenth of the gross, at a minimum. 

Money?  What does an omnipotent being need with money? 

Oh, I’m not the one who needs it.  You do.  So you can build nice places to do the bowing down and worshipping, and send people to other countries to get them to bow down and worship me, so I’ll be happy and give you presents. 

Presents? 

Or at least hold off on the next giant asteroid.  If I feel like it.

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